Tooth and Nail
by idioticonion
Summary: Friendship!Fic: Ted tries to get Barney to open up. Set during The Possimpible, the evening after Barney tried to help Robin film her video resume.


**Tooth and nail **

Ted collapsed into the chair opposite Barney and glared at him. "Dude! Seriously."

Barney looked up, confused, then guiltily, then confused again. "What? What?"

McLaren's was quiet so they had the place mostly to themselves. Ted felt it was time to tackle Barney about something that had been bugging him. "Last night, man," he said, "I saw you. You practically got down on one knee."

Barney spluttered into his beer. "Nwaht? I did _not_!"

"Did too."

"Did not."

"Lily saw you too. We had a talk."

"Ah."

Barney looked away from Ted, towards the door.

"Look," Ted said kindly. "About this _Robin_ thing."

"There is no _Robin_ thing," Barney said, making air quotes around her name. He still didn't meet Ted's eye.

Ted sighed. He always knew that this conversation would be tough but, damn! "Dude, you're totally against marriage. Yet you were ready to propose to Robin?"

Barney snorted. "Only in an ironic and awesome way. She needed to stay in the country. And Marshall suggested the marriage thing, not me. Remember?"

Ted chuckled. "Yeah, but you practically dove on to your knees, man!"

Barney shook his head. "Ted. Theodore. Just because you want to shackle yourself to the first girl you see, doesn't mean the rest of us do. Unless they are _actual_ shackles. And there are two naked ladies involved. What up." He frowned, looking distracted, looking as though his heart wasn't in it.

"Barney…" Ted shook his head. "Just give it up, man!"

"What?" Barney looked up. It was the first time he'd met Ted's eye since they'd started this conversation.

"You're not fooling anyone, you know." Ted said, with a smile. "Not me, not Lily… not Robin…"

Barney's expression flickered and he leant in, his expression suddenly open and eager. "What do you mean, not Robin?" His voice dropped. "You mean… has she said something? About me…?" He caught Ted's expression and he sat back in his seat, glaring.

Ted shook his head, grinning. "Yeah, she told Lily round the back of the chem block after first period and Marshall told me. She wants you to ask her to prom!" He couldn't help himself. Seeing Barney like this, it was the most ridiculous thing ever.

Barney surged to his feet, smoothing down his jacket, preparing to head out the door.

"Sit down," Ted waved his arms at him. "Come on, Barney! What do you expect me to say? What do you expect any of us to say? We know how you operate. That you could go ga-ga over one chick, even _Robin_, it's just bizarre-o world!"

Barney slowly sat down, scowling. "I am _not_ going ga-ga."

"You _totally_ are! Lily told me everything." And she had. When Ted had voiced his suspicions to Lily, the whole thing had come pouring out of her - secrets she'd kept for four months.

Barney took a tiny sip from his beer and kept hold of his glass. "Does Marshall know?"

Ted shook his head. "I don't think so. At least, Lily says she hasn't told him anything. She hasn't told anyone, which I think is a record for Lily. Near as I can figure it, she kind-of thinks this is just a passing phase."

And there it was, a look of shock and betrayal and hurt on Barney's face, of genuine emotion, that Ted knew couldn't be faked. "She thinks _what_?" Barney said, outraged.

"So it's _not_ a passing phase?" Ted probed.

Barney seemed to realise he'd been played and backed off a little. "No, I mean, yes… I mean… I may have said some things to Lily… as a _joke_… they were never meant to be taken seriously."

"Then why do you care what Lily thinks?"

"I- I don't!" Barney gave him a smug grin that didn't reach his eyes.

Ted sighed. Time for the knock out punch. "So you don't _want_ to hear what Robin told me about you?"

He could see Barney struggle, almost physically, with himself. His eyes did a weird thing where they looked like they wanted to go in two different directions. "N- no!" Barney stuttered. "W-what do I c-care what R-Robin thinks. Except as a friend. A lady friend." He gulped at his beer. His eye started twitching.

"Oh man…" Ted shook his head. "You are _sad_…"

Barney bowed his head.

"Just… just _talk_ to me." Ted knew he sounded whiney but Barney was just exasperating. "If you can't tell your _best friend_ this sort of stuff, who can you tell?" He gave himself a mental pat on the back.

Barney shook his head. "What's the point in talking about it? Where would it get me? A guy like me doesn't get a girl like Robin, Ted. Ever."

Ted shook his head, sadly. "I don't believe that, Barney. If you could change… you could be what she wants."

Barney smiled sadly and shrugged. "Me? Change?" He snorted, then gave Ted his empty, trademark grin. "Why would I want to change? I'm awesome…"

"You're lonely."

"I'm _awesome_!"

"You're in love with Robin and it's killing you."

"I'm… fine…" Barney waved his hand casually, nodding at a group of girls at the bar.

"Sure you are," Ted said, looking Barney directly in the eyes, then giving him a slow, deliberate wink.

"Ted, I _am_."

Ted laughed. "Yes, I know." He winked again.

"Ted, I am _not_ in love with Robin!"

Ted's grin widened. "Yeah, sure." Wink.

"Ted, stop it."

"I'll stop it when you stop it." Wink.

"Ted, I'm serious. You are heading for a world of hurt."

Ted laughed. "You know, Lily told me that you like to cuddle."

"What?" Barney spluttered. "Ted, you- you-, that's completely… shut up!"

Ted sniggered.

"I hate you, Ted."

"Yeah, Barney, whatever." He took a swig from his beer and they sat in silence for a while.

"So…" Barney cleared his throat. "What exactly _did_ Robin say…?"

Ted laughed. "She said that she felt bad for letting you down on that video resume thing. She was really cut up about it. She said that she just didn't think it was worth it, that even you couldn't help her now."

"Really?" Barney looked weirdly pleased.

"Yeah, genuinely. She wouldn't shut up about how bad she felt and how amazing she thought you were for trying so hard with all this."

"Really?" Barney sounded sceptical.

"Really." Ted shrugged, casually. "Although all this is moot. In three days time she'll be going back to Canada."

Barney smirked, slapped the table, and got to his feet, dramatically. "Not if I can help it, Ted. Not if I can help it."

"Barney…" Ted shook his head, grinning at his antics. "What are you gonna do?"

"Ted, I'm going to get Robin Scherbatsky a job!" He said, looking off into the distance. "And not just _any_ job! The best journalism job that I can find…! And Ted…"

Ted felt that it would be churlish not to play along. "Yes, Barney."

"Say it with me."

"It's gonna be legendary?" Ted laughed.

"Hell yeah!"


End file.
